The Fourteen Commandments of Flaming
Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies
sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly." Example:
"Clearly, woger is a liar, and a dirtball to boot."
Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of
Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're
qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. Example: "Woger, by
using the word "fruit" in his posting, shows he has a bad case of
Mark envy.
Cross-post your flames: Everybody on the 'Net is just waiting for the
next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal! From the Apple II
Roundtable to X-10 Powerhouse Roundtable, they're all holding their
breath until your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere.
Conspiracies abound: If everybody's against you, the reason can't
possibly be that you're a flooder, wacko, and an asshole to boot.
There's obviously a conspiracy
against you, and you will be doing the entire 'Net a favor by exposing
it.
Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the Yin
&
Yang of Flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in
good form. Example: "By saying that I am a NG flooder,
woger has libeled me, slandered me, stolen from me, and libeled my
wife. See you in court,
woger."
Force them to document their claims: Even if woger states
outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand
documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on woger's pasta
preferences, then woger is obviously lying.
Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca
of
Flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times
per
article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum," "veni, vidi,
vici," and "fettuccini alfredo."
Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince
them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that
you're a member of Mensa, or Mega, or a ham club. Tell them the
scores you received on every exam since high school. Example: "I got
an
800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell the word
'cognat."
Accuse your opponent of censorship: It is your right as an American
citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the 'Net (as guaranteed
by
the 37th Amendment, I think). Anybody who tries to limit your
cross-posting or move a Flame War to email is either a gay basher, or
homophobe, or both.
Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent, have
you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should have
seen
them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! This is the
beauty of Flamers' logic.
Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.
When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember
this
one. At some point during your wonderful career as a Flamer you will
undoubtedly end up in a Flame War with somebody who is better than
you.
This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, and
make
you look generally like a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing
to
do . . . INSULT THE DIRTBAG! Example: "Oh yeah? Well, your mother
does
strange things with vegetables."
As a last resort, flood the NG with inaine posts, and then rationalize
that it is in your own defense against libel.
Post all messages through teranews, that will show them.
Bwahahahha!
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