Contrary to current rumour, and seemingly every edition of Auto Express
at the moment, BMW's next generation Mini will in fact be a lot bigger
than the current model, at least according to one completely made-up
scientist who always appears in Sniff Petrol. Professor Ken Freeply of
Nigel Havers College, Kettering claims that instead of merely growing
slightly to take account of new legislation and packaging requirements,
the forthcoming third generation of the popular fashion car will in
fact expand in all directions to become pretty big. "It's quite
simple," Prof Freeply explained. "The current Mini is almost 20 percent
longer than the original Mini. Therefore, using a special equation
which I have just thought of, the next generation model will grow by a
similar amount, making it as big as a 3-series. This in itself is
rather worrying, but that's nothing to the terrifying prospect we face
if we extrapolate this generation-on-generation growth. I think we must
face up to the certain knowledge that the sixth or seventh generation
Mini will be 700 feet long. Or something." However, the clearly mental
brainiac had some more reassuring news for those alarmed by his
size-based findings. "Happily, I have also noticed that the gap between
the original Mini and the launch of the new car was 42 years. So by the
time the scary Mini that will crush us all comes along it will be the
year 2211". Prof Freeply later denied that actually the next Mini is
launched next year and that his maths was "rubbish".
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