On Sat, 5 Apr 2008 01:05:29 -0800, "Superman Hughes Troll and s***
bag" <BillHughes@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
How to recognize a narcissist:
Never love anything that can't love you back
Life being the way it is, a couple of weeks after I'd drafted this
page, but before showing it for comments, I received the following
joke in my email. It reminds me of something a wise old woman said: "I
don't think the devil looks ugly and frightening. If he did, people
wouldn't find him so attractive. The devil must be a handsome man."
And the devil's sister is a pretty woman, as often as not.
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Anytown got up
early and went to the local church. Before the service started, the
townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives,
their families, and so on.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
incarnate. Soon everyone had left the church except for an elderly
gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious
to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now, this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said,
"Hey! Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you
afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "I've been married to your sister for 25
years."
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"If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...."
To my knowledge, none of the narcissistic individuals I've known
personally have had official diagnoses of Narcissistic Personality
Disorder; they have not sought help and so haven't been *****sed
clinically. On the other hand, members of their families have sought
help to cope with them -- and I have sought help in understanding
every one of them! Thus these pages.
These are field notes -- that is, descriptions and observations to
assist in identifying narcissists and also, I hope, to give aid and
comfort to others who live and work with narcissists. I'm sorry that I
cannot also give hope, but, since a prime characteristic of
narcissists is believing that they are always right no matter what,
narcissists are extremely resistant to change and, unfortunately, tend
to get worse as they get older.
I have also never had to cope with a physically aggressive or sadistic
narcissist. The narcissists I've known have pretty much stuck to
neglect and verbal and emotional abuse. But lots of people have not
been so lucky, and their narcissist parents or partners have been
relentlessly interfering and cruel in efforts to reform and re-form
their "beloveds," including but not limited to plastic surgery or
bleaching and perming little babies' hair to make them more perfectly
beautiful blondes. [If you had a narcissist for a parent, you may find
some of these books helpful.]
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Nearly everyone has some narcissistic traits. It's possible to be
arrogant, selfish, conceited, or out of touch without being a
narcissist. The practical test, so far as I know, is that with normal
people, no matter how difficult, you can get some improvements, at
least tem****arily, by saying, essentially, "Please have a heart." This
doesn't work with narcissists; in fact, it usually makes things worse.
[See discussion of the relation****p between normal personality traits
and personality disorders.]
It's impossible to overemphasize the im****tance of narcissists' lack
of empathy. It colors everything about them. I have observed very
closely some narcissists I've loved, and their inability to pay
attention when someone else is talking is so striking that it has
often seemed to me that they have neurological problems that affect
their cognitive functioning. These are educated people with high IQs,
who've had ordinary middle-class backgrounds and schooling, and their
thinking is not only illogical but weird: with narcissists, you have
to know them pretty well to understand their behavior. For instance,
they always fill in their gaps (which make up just about the entirety
of their visible life) with bits of behavior, ideas, tastes, opinions,
etc., borrowed from someone else whom they regard as an authority.
Their authoritative sources, as far as I know, are always people
they've actually known, not something from a book, for instance, and
narcissists' opinions may actually come from someone you know, too,
but who is not to you obviously an authority on the matter at hand, so
narcissists can seem totally arbitrary, virtually random in their
motivations and reasoning. They are evidently transfixed by a static
fantasy image of themselves, like Narcissus gazing at his reflection,
and this produces an odd kind of stillness and passivity. Because
their inner life is so restricted and essentially dead, it doesn't
contain images of how to live a full life -- these things are not
im****tant to them, they expect others to look after day-to-day chores,
they resent wasting their specialness on common things, they don't put
their heart into their work (though they'll tell you how many hours
they put into it), they borrow their opinions and preferences and
tastes from whomever strikes them as authoritative at the moment.
From my personal experience, and from what I've seen in the clinical
literature, narcissists don't talk about their inner life -- memories,
dreams, reflections -- much at all. They rarely recount dreams. They
seem not to make typical memory associations -- i.e., in the way one
thing leads to another, "That reminds me of something that happened
when I was...of something I read...of something somebody said...."
They don't tell how they learned something about themselves or the
world. They don't share their thoughts or feelings or dreams. They
don't say, "I have an idea and need some help," or "There's something
I've always wanted to do...did you ever want to do that?" They do not
discuss how they've overcome difficulties they've encountered or
continuing problems that they're trying to solve (beyond trying to get
someone else to do what they want). They often say that they don't
remember things from the past, such as childhood events, their
schooldays or old friends, and it seems to me that they really don't
most of the time. Anyhow, for all these reasons, I've tried to refrain
from speculating about (i.e., novelizing) what goes on in their heads.
Writer John Cheever (who recorded having been diagnosed as a
narcissist when he went to marriage counseling at his wife's
insistence) describes some of his persistent fantasy images -- and,
with Cheever, they're very striking, as you'll know if you've read any
of his fiction; his characters and plots tend to be narcissistic
(i.e., self-obsessed tunnel vision spiraling into nihilism), but his
stories often contain memorably glorious set pieces or tableaux, such
as the the hunt for the golden Easter egg in one of the Wapshot
novels. Cheever also gives unself-conscious expression to the ways in
which his obsessive preoccupation with himself (and his ***** -- sort
of a magic wand in his mind) obstructed his ability to relate to his
wife and children, obstructed even his ability to perceive them: to
see what they looked like, to pay attention to what they said and did,
though with Cheever everything is also soaked with the sorrows of gin.
Alice Adams's novel, Almost Perfect, also gives things from a
narcissistic point of view in a way that I found convincing and
credible, based on my personal experience of narcissistic individuals.
A striking thing about narcissists that you'll notice if you know them
for a long time is that their ideas of themselves and the world don't
change with experience; the ones I've known have been stalled at a
vision that came to them by the age of sixteen.
There are different theories of how narcissists are made. Some
psychologists trace NPD to early infantile neglect or abuse, and some
blame over-indulgence and indiscriminate praise by parents who don't
set limits on what's acceptable from their children. Others say that
NPD shows up in adolescence. Some say narcissists tend to peak around
middle age and then mellow out. Others say that narcissists stay
pretty much the same except they tend to depression as they get older
and their grandiose fantasies are not sup****ted, plus they're not as
good-looking as they used to be. The narcissists I've known have
apparently always been "that way" and they get worse as they get
older, with dramatic regression of their personas after the deaths of
their parents and other personal authority figures who have previously
exerted some control over the narcissists' bad behavior. And, yes,
chronic depression gets to be obvious at least by their forties but
may have always been present. Depressed narcissists blame the world,
of course, and not themselves for their personal disappointments.
Essentially, narcissists are unable or unwilling to trust either
the world or other people to meet their needs. Perhaps they were born
to parents unable to connect emotionally and, thus, as infants learned
not to let another person be essential to them in any way. Perhaps NPD
starts later, when intrusive or abusive parents make it dangerous for
the child to accept other people's opinions and valuations. Maybe it
comes from a childhood environment of being treated like royalty or
little gods. Whatever the case, narcissists have made the terrible
choice not to love. In their imaginations, they are complete unto
themselves, perfect and not in need of anything anyone else can give
them. (NB: Narcissists do not count their real lives -- i.e., what
they do every day and the people they do it with -- as worth
anything.) Their lives are impoverished and sterile; the price they
pay for their golden fantasies is high: they'll never share a dream
for two.
Now, it is possible to have a relatively smooth relation****p with a
narcissist, and it's possible to maintain it for a long time. The
first requirement for this, though, is distance: this simply cannot be
done with a narcissist you live with. Given distance, or only
transient and intermittent contact, you can get along with narcissists
by treating them as infants: you give them whatever they want or need
whenever they ask and do not expect any reciprocation at all, do not
expect them to show the slightest interest in you or your life (or
even in why you're bothering with them at all), do not expect them to
be able to do anything that you need or want, do not expect them to
apologize or make amends or show any consideration for your feelings,
do not expect them to take ordinary responsibility in any way. But
note: they are not infants; infants develop and mature and require
this kind of care for only a brief period, after which they are on the
road to autonomy and looking after themselves, whereas narcissists
never outgrow their demands for dedicated attention to their infantile
needs 168 hours a week. Adult narcissists can be as demanding of your
time and energy as little babies but without the gratification of
their growing or learning anything from what they suck from you.
Babies love you back, but adult narcissists are like vampires: they
will take all you can give while giving nothing back, then curse you
for running dry and discard you as a waste of their precious time.
It is also essential that you keep emotional distance from
narcissists. They're pretty good at maintaining a conventional persona
in superficial associations with people who mean absolutely nothing to
them, and they'll flatter the hell out of you if you have something
they can use or if, for some reason, they perceive you as an authority
figure. That is, as long as they think you don't count or they're
afraid of you, they'll treat you well enough that you may mistake it
for love. But, as soon as you try to get close to them, they'll say
that you are too demanding -- and, if you ever say "I love you,"
they'll presume that you belong to them as a possession or an
appendage, and treat you very very badly right away. The abrupt change
from decent treatment to outright abuse is very shocking and
bewildering, and it's so contrary to normal experience that I was
plenty old before I realized that it was actually my expression of
affection that triggered the narcissists' nasty reactions. Once they
know you are emotionally attached to them, they expect to be able to
use you like an appliance and shove you around like a piece of
furniture. If you object, then they'll say that obviously you don't
really love them or else you'd let them do whatever they want with
you. If you should be so uppity as to express a mind and heart of your
own, then they will cut you off -- just like that, sometimes tra****ng
you and all your friends on the way out the door. The narcissist will
treat you just like a broken toy or tool or an unruly body part: "If
thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off" [Matt. 18:8]. This
means you.
So, yes, it's possible to get along with narcissists, but it's
probably not worth bothering with. If family members are narcissists,
you have my deep sympathy. If people you work with are narcissists,
you will be wise to keep an eye on them, if just for your own
protection, because they don't think very well, no matter what their
IQs, they feel that the rules (of anything) don't apply to them, and
they will always cut corners and cheat wherever they think they can
get away with it, not to mention alienating co-workers, clients, and
customers by their arrogance, lies, malice, and off-the-wall griping.
Narcissists are threatened and enraged by trivial disagreements,
mistakes, and misunderstandings, plus they have evil mouths and will
say ANYTHING, so if you continue to live or work with narcissists,
expect to have to clean up after them, expect to lose friends over
them, expect big trouble sooner or later.
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If you're reading this because of problems with someone you know now,
the chances are excellent that one or both of your parents was a
narcissist. Narcissists are so much trouble that only people with
special prior training (i.e., who were raised by narcissists) get
seriously involved with them. Sometimes narcissists' children become
narcissists, too, but this is by no means inevitable, provided stable
love was given by someone, such as the non-narcissist parent or
grandparents. Beyond that, a happy marriage will heal many old wounds
for the narcissist's child. But, even though children of narcissists
don't automatically become narcissists themselves and can survive with
enough intact psychically to lead happy and productive lives away from
their narcissistic parents, because we all love our parents whether
they can love us back or not, children of narcissists are kind of bent
-- "You can't get blood out of a stone," but children of narcissists
keep trying, as if by bonding with new narcissists we could somehow
cure our narcissistic parents by finding the key to their heart. Thus,
we've been trained to keep loving people who can't love us back, and
we will often tolerate or actively work to maintain connections with
narcissistic individuals whom others, lacking our special training,
find alienating and repellent from first contact, setting ourselves up
to be hurt yet again in the same old way. Once narcissists know that
you care for them, they'll suck you dry -- demand all your time, be
more work than a newborn babe -- and they'll test your love by
outrageous demands and power moves. In their world, love is a weakness
and saying "I love you" is asking to be hurt, so be careful: they'll
hurt you out of a sort of sacred duty. They can't or won't trust, so
they will test your total devotion. If you won't submit to their
tyranny, then you will be discarded as "no good," "a waste of time,"
"you don't really love me or you'd do whatever I ask," "I give up on
you." (Note: In many instances, narcissists' demands are not only
outrageous but also impossible to fulfill even if you want to please
them. Plus if you actually want to do what they want you to do, that
would be too much like sharing, so they won't want it anymore.)
If you've had a narcissist for a parent, you are probably not
afraid of dying and going to hell -- you have lived hell on Earth.
Narcissists cannot be satisfied and do a tremendous amount of damage
to their children and partners in their relentless demand for a
perfect outer appearance to reflect the perfect inner image that
obsesses them. Kyrie eleison.
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Here follows a discussion of traits I've observed in the half-dozen or
so narcissists of both ***es that I've known well over many years.
Remember that narcissism is a personality disorder and narcissists'
personalities are disordered: they don't make sense! They are not
concerned with making sense and they are also impulsive, so you will
waste your time trying to understand the details of every little thing
they do.
--
“A winner makes commitment. A loser makes promises.”
“The path of least resistance is the path of the loser.”
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